hours away

Dear Blog,
well if all of my new Marine gf/wife friends are correct, I should be getting a call from my boyfriend for the first time in four weeks tomorrow. If I don't, I'll really be more disappointed than I've been in quite awhile. I'm so nervous!! But I'm so excited and happy to talk to him. He graduates in just four short days and I'm so thankful this MCT business is over. Hopefully we'll be spending a long week and a half together in Boston. It will be the most romantic time of my life if we get to and everything works out. I'll let you all know as soon as I confirm plans. Merry Christmas by the way. I guess I've been too distracted by missing my man to even enjoy the holidays. It's sad, but it's true. Oh well. Big day tomorrow, at least I'm praying it will be. I love you baby, and I miss your voice.

yay holidays without the ones you want most,
jm

all i want for christmas is you

Dear Blog,
Today was a decent day. Probably because I spent the whole thing away from home. I got called into work today early and worked from 11 a.m. to 9 p.m. and I honestly love working with my co-workers. They're some of my best friends and it feels so good to be on break. I work at a pizza place. Hey come on, I'm only nineteen and I'm on break from college. It's just a positive atmosphere and really helps to boost the spirits when all I get is negativity from my family most of the time. Anyways, I've also fallen in love with USMC Gals. It's been a giant help and it seems like no matter what the question is, there's always going to be someone who has been there, done that and who can answer it for you. It's put me at ease as to why I haven't gotten a call from my man yet. Hopefullyyyy I will get one on Christmas day. Seriously, if I don't, I'm going to be heartbroken. I love him so much and I miss him quite terribly. I'm working as much as I can because I'm pretty certain that the majority of my money from now on is going to go towards visiting my love and I want to do that frequently, especially if he does end up only 7 hours away in the same state as me. I wish we could just fast forward a little ways, like a few years, so we can start our life together. I would love that. I just want to lay with him, I want to kiss him and I want to just touch him and look in his eyes for the first time in a month. I know other people go much longer without seeing their bf/husband but I'm not used to it and it's killing me. I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU TAYLOR!

sore feet,
jm

i want you, i only want you;

Dear Blog,
so i'm still on Christmas break, as I mentioned before and my parents are driving me insane. Honestly, I can't take much more. It's two days away from christmas and I don't hardly care about the holiday, I just want to get to my boyfriend who's in the marine corps. I miss him so much. We haven't talked in over three weeks & I am going to JUMP on him as soon as I see him. Hopefully, I'll be going to boston early next week to see him! I couldn't be happier about that. Even though pretty much everything else is going wrong, seeing him is enough to make me think everything is just fine. He truly is the love of my life and I just hope and pray that he's thought about me as much as I've thought about him. I miss him so terribly I can't even stop saying it. My parents basically told me tonight that I'm crazy for getting involved with him again because of the military but truth be told, I will never find someone so kind and sincere and amazing as him. I can admit that. When I list everything I want in a man, I realize all I want's him.

6 days; early night,
JM

Dear Blog,
Today was an interesting day. It started off horribly. My mom got my final grades for the semester and she was so mad. I cried like a child, because that's how I deal with things. Going back to my high school was a great experience. The teachers I visited had such an impact on my life, that I felt it was only right to pay them a visit and let them know I'm doing the best I can. My history teacher who literally inspired my career helped me a lot with what was going on in my school life. I'm off for another twenty days, but when I get back, I've got to have a plan to make things better. I plan on changing dorms, which is so exciting. I also plan on doing a lot more by myself because I'm such an independent person and it's difficult to be surrounded 24/7. I don't know how, but I've got to do everything differently.

So, another night, and no call. I'm not surprised, but still the disappointment hurts just as bad every night. I hope like hell I can see my Marine in roughly a week and a half. Wow, when I say it like that, it doesn't sound long at all. I miss him so so so much and I love him like crazy. This hurts so bad to be so far away from him. It's like, the weirdest feeling ever. You know, like finding the one you love, the one you want to be with more than anyone on the planet, and then you still can't have them even when they want you just as badly. I just hope he's thinking about me on his lonely nights as much as I think about him.

Blah, good night

jm

Dear Blog,
So my mom just found out my final grades for my first semester of college. I got an A, B, C, D & an F. Cute right? I cried terribly when I saw this. I don't know what to do with my life. It's like, I know exactly what I want. I want to be a high school American history teacher, I want to have a husband who loves me unconditionally and in the old fashioned way that matters, I want 2-4 kids, a girl named Lilianna Lauren and then another named either Savannah Sarah or Julianna Jaquline. Boys names, I haven't a clue, but I have time for that. I just know that I want to live up north and be surrounded by family even though all of mine lives in Florida. I want Christmas to feel like Christmas for once and for my children to know what seasons are. Either way, I know exactly what my ideal future looks like. The problem is I can't manage time or money and I fear that I'll never get to where I'm going. My mom is irate about my grades but truth be told, going to a huge university was such a shock to my system. I haven't really given the college life a fair shake though I have to admit. I've been judgmental and hateful from early on. I'm getting ready to go visit my old high school history teacher. He had the same problems I'm having and ended up dropping out of college but went back eventually. I'm hoping he has some words of wisdom for me.

disappointed.

Dear blog,
Today was a productive day. I helped mom out with her Christmas party. Lots of little kids definitely enjoyed themselves doing their craft thing. I had a good time surprisingly. Then I went to work for four hours which was okay I guess. Good to see most of the people. It's always scary to reenter a place that was once so familiar.

Anyways, I have had a horrid headache for about eight hours now and I don't know what to do about it. Another night, and no call from my marine. At this point I feel dumb for even cautiously waiting by my cell all night, but I simply can't help it. Soon enough my phone will ring and it will be him and I will be the happiest person alive.

Well it's late, I've got dreams to catch up. Good night world.

best,
jm

dear blog,
well day 14 has come and gone and still no call from my marine. I miss him so much. I hate being without him. I consider myself a mentally and emotionally strong person and I hate the way I feel when he's not here in great part because, I feel weak and empty. I feel like a whole part of me has drifted away leaving me not feeling like myself. I'm a happy person, but the happiness I have with him is a kind that can't be manufactured nor explained. Hopefully tomorrow will be the day.

Today, I spent meandering around the house since I'm now on Christmas break from college. Being at home is boring and stressful and your parents want to treat you like you're a child and give you all this attitude about things you do that they don't approve of like spend your money like it's water or get secret tattoos. I mean don't get me wrong, these aren't things to do continually but I just don't want to come home from a really rough semester and feel like I'm not even wanted. Either way, I start work again tomorrow which is a relief. There's something going on a little fishy with my boss but I'll tell you if there's one thing I've learned, it's that employment is 80% political. Whatever. I'm also looking into moving next semester from my old dorm into a beautiful one with a nice kitchen. I guess it just depends on how I feel when it comes time to actually make the move which won't happen until two weeks into the spring semester.

It's late. I'm helping out with a children's christmas craft day thing my mom is putting on tomorrow at the library and I have to get up early so I will have to say good night.

js

Dear Blog,
Alright, so here's the lowdown. I just recently got rapidly and seriously involved with a guy I dated for a year in high school. He's the most amazing guy. I know everyone says that so stop shaking your head. The way every girl wants to be looked at, and treated, and loved, and talked to, and respected is the exact way he looks at, treats, loves, talks to, and respects me. If I were to draw out my ideal man, he'd fit it to a tee. I honestly would say yes if he asked me to marry him tomorrow. The problem is, I won't see him tomorrow, and at a minimum, not for a few more weeks. He's a new marine. He finished boot camp on November 20 and after it we got to spend five glorious days. During these days, I truly realized I never stopped loving him and that he just might be my soul mate. He's my best friend and we have chemistry like I've never had with any other person. I miss him everyday. I call his voicemail just to hear his voice. I haven't even gotten to talk to him in two weeks. The Corps. is supposed to let them call on sundays real quick, but last sunday I got no call. Tomorrow's another sunday, so I'm hoping and praying for the best. I'm so worried though. I'm so worried that I'm just caught up in all this. I wish the two of us could be isolated from everyone else in the world and it just be us. I'm so empty without him around. He's supposed to get break from Dec 29th until about Jan 15th and if that's the case, I will be the happiest person alive. If he gets break, I'm going to Boston (where he's from, his parents live there, but we met and dated when he lived in Florida). It would be the most magical time of my life to be in beautiful Boston with the love of my short life for New Years. I've never had a New Year's Kiss and I've got a good feeling I'll be getting it this year. The problem is, I won't know until I talk to him when/if he gets break. And on top of that, I have about $40 to my name. I found a round trip ticket last night for $276 which is totally reasonable, but my credit card's maxed out and I just came home from college. I'll be working at this pizza place I worked at before leaving for school so hopefully I'll get enough. Last night I also requested a credit extension on my credit card and I'm praying that I get it. I'll do anything to get to him. I love him so much. I can honestly say I could see myself with him. I could see us taking turns staying up all night with the baby, and making dinner everynight for him. I could see myself with him in a way I've never been able to with anyone else. I just had to get all of this out to someone/something that was going to be annoyed or talk back or give me a look that makes me feel like no one cares or that I'm simply mad.

good night, jm

again

Dear Blog,
well, I've tried this whole blog thing once before; a few months ago. Right before I left for college I thought that this would be a great way to release thoughts, but then I didn't keep up with it. I wish I had though. I've been overwelmed and now I see that I need a place to get everything off my chest without being judged, without having a head shake at me that bears the message "I've heard this story before." So here I am. 19 years old, in love, scared to absolute death, & slightly lonely. Let's try to work this out again.